Ok, well don't shoot me, but please, God, everything is just piling up. So much is happening, and there seems to be no end in sight. I just donnot know what to do. My anxiety is through THE ROOF, heck, it's nearing the atmosphere's end, as I sit here, teeth chattering with nerves.
I missed the SAT this morning. I overslept. My dad came in at 7:30 to wake me up. I had to be there at 7:45... there was NO WAY I would have eaten breakfast in time and made it to the test without being late. I am such a slacker. I said fuck it and went back to bed until 10 O'clock.
Who needs the SAT anyway. I DO! I am settling so much more often than I used to now... my attitude is horrible. At the moment, I keep on telling myself that these tests aren't a big deal, because I know I will get into college. I'm ranked 8th out of a 400 student class with a 3.9 GPA. After teaching myself all these years. While battling this deamon of an Eating Disorder.
But still, I'm not putting fourth my best effort. This is so uncharacteristic of me. I am falling apart. And so is life, (or though it seems...)
My grandma died Thursday morning. Only three weeks after my uncle died. They both suffered long, hard lives with Bi-Polar disorder. My uncle suffered a spontanious heart attack, while my grandma died of dementia related complications. I miss them both dearly, but am happy they are finally free from their minds. They are in peace.
I just don't know where any of this is going. The only thing that I am motivated to do any more is eat and exercise. I have dance is an hour. My dancing is so horrid... and Nationals are in two and a half weeks! I am so far from ready, nearly EMBARRESSED to dance! I'm working so hard, but nothing is coming together with dance.
My thoughts are everywhere... I think I'll try and post a more thourough update later on. Hopefully dance class will allow my head to clear. I just feel like such a failure... I know that's partly ED talking, but partly reality, too. If I wasn't so rigid, I could have made the SAT in time. I could have just grabbed a Muscle Milk and drank that whilst driving. Then finished the remainder of my breakfast upon arriving home. But no, rigidity took over. My stupid perfect breakfast ideals took over. Sure, breakfast this morning was DELICOUS!, but what good is that going to do me when I'm trying to make a successful future for myself?
Ah! Please, dear mind, just slow down. Please slow down and let me breath.
Hate to sound like such a downer, but I hope that you all are having a better day than me. Take care loves, and stay strong. That, I know I can do.
Love,
Julia
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
MLK
He knew his life was in danger, but he also knew the danger in lives around him. He knew that his presence would come to an end, but his message would forever live on. His spirit could not be killed, even if his body was. His spirit would remain, forever, in the heart of America. His spirit would pulse throughout those brave enough to hope, those brave enough to dream. This is the spirit of Martin Luther King Jr. This is the spirit that our nation, today, is still thriving on. This is the spirit of a man made of courage. This is the spirit of a man made of strength, this is the spirit of a man who's only fear was not being heard.
His message was that all men are created equal, despite race, despite socioeconomic backround. He preached that we are given equal rights to success, that we are all entitled to equal opportunities. This message was spoken in times of great uproar. But society's discord wasn't enough to stop Mr. King from speaking, from spilling his heart. He marched through violence, he marched through hatred, hoping to put an end to this world's evil; hoping to put an end to this world's judgement.
I still see it today. I still see people exchange glances at different races, different beliefs, even different clothing styles. I'm guilty of it myself. Why must we place so much importance on such a minor quality, appearance? Why do we continuously value someone's look, rather than their actions? What good does it do us in the long run? Why are we too blind to see the true inner beauty of people? Why, today, do we still allow our outerselves to rule us?
I'm unable to provide an answer applicapable to society as a whole, however, I can share my insight in regards to my prejiduce views. I look at people before I speak to them. I see their hair, I see their clothes. I feel that these things provide an idea of what's inside. But they really don't. Judging someone by physical appearance is just as bad as judging someone by their racial backround. You all do it. You look at the gothic kid and snicker. You think he'll go home at night to slit his wrists. You look at the fat girl and picture her eating twinkies. You see the jock going to a keg party, and the pretty girl losing her virginity to him. These are all just people though. I have no right, WE have no right to guess what they think, to guess what they're feeling. But this practice, this judging is so ingrained in us. We must break it. It can't be done all at once, but it is achievable.
Martin Luther King Jr. did not take all those risks, he didn't give all that effort so we could live today, still judging others. Just for today, try to see past someone. Try to find their innervoice, their innerbeauty. Just try to look past those things that only our eyes can see. Dig deeper, push yourself past this. I just wish that our looks didn't matter. Slowly, but surely, I do believe that we can diminish their importance. Please, let's all try to live MLK's dream. Let us all be free at last.
His message was that all men are created equal, despite race, despite socioeconomic backround. He preached that we are given equal rights to success, that we are all entitled to equal opportunities. This message was spoken in times of great uproar. But society's discord wasn't enough to stop Mr. King from speaking, from spilling his heart. He marched through violence, he marched through hatred, hoping to put an end to this world's evil; hoping to put an end to this world's judgement.
I still see it today. I still see people exchange glances at different races, different beliefs, even different clothing styles. I'm guilty of it myself. Why must we place so much importance on such a minor quality, appearance? Why do we continuously value someone's look, rather than their actions? What good does it do us in the long run? Why are we too blind to see the true inner beauty of people? Why, today, do we still allow our outerselves to rule us?
I'm unable to provide an answer applicapable to society as a whole, however, I can share my insight in regards to my prejiduce views. I look at people before I speak to them. I see their hair, I see their clothes. I feel that these things provide an idea of what's inside. But they really don't. Judging someone by physical appearance is just as bad as judging someone by their racial backround. You all do it. You look at the gothic kid and snicker. You think he'll go home at night to slit his wrists. You look at the fat girl and picture her eating twinkies. You see the jock going to a keg party, and the pretty girl losing her virginity to him. These are all just people though. I have no right, WE have no right to guess what they think, to guess what they're feeling. But this practice, this judging is so ingrained in us. We must break it. It can't be done all at once, but it is achievable.
Martin Luther King Jr. did not take all those risks, he didn't give all that effort so we could live today, still judging others. Just for today, try to see past someone. Try to find their innervoice, their innerbeauty. Just try to look past those things that only our eyes can see. Dig deeper, push yourself past this. I just wish that our looks didn't matter. Slowly, but surely, I do believe that we can diminish their importance. Please, let's all try to live MLK's dream. Let us all be free at last.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I just want this day to be over, I just want this lonliness to come to an end. I can feel the darkness coming back, yet I did nothing to stop it. I want to free myself from this life, I want to start over new. I want so much and need so little. I have no plans to carry out my desires. No one can feel what I am feeling, no one can see what I am seeing. They're not tired like I am, they're not worthless like I am. My life has been reduced to misery, a misery that I've created. I can feel myself dissapearing, the smile coming on as the pain grows near. The chills comfort me, the screams; they silence. I'm numb... I'm pure. This is what I have... this is what's left of me.
Hiding from the world, for I fear the failure. This is what I have.
Translucent presence and an empty soul. This is what's left of me.
Lost love and fleeting hope. This is what I have.
A painful existence with prayer for the end. This is what's left of me.
Lonliness does this, the thinking does this. I must stay occupied, or else my mind will overtake me. My mind is evil and full of power. It can turn on me at any given second, as soon as my thoughts grow idle. It spins out of control and blinds me from the good that's still here. It kills my senses and floods the world with cold. No pausing, no stopping, no freedom to salvish. I just want this to be over, I just want this lonliness to come to an end.
Hiding from the world, for I fear the failure. This is what I have.
Translucent presence and an empty soul. This is what's left of me.
Lost love and fleeting hope. This is what I have.
A painful existence with prayer for the end. This is what's left of me.
Lonliness does this, the thinking does this. I must stay occupied, or else my mind will overtake me. My mind is evil and full of power. It can turn on me at any given second, as soon as my thoughts grow idle. It spins out of control and blinds me from the good that's still here. It kills my senses and floods the world with cold. No pausing, no stopping, no freedom to salvish. I just want this to be over, I just want this lonliness to come to an end.
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