Friday, December 11, 2009

Open up

Ugh, so I'm not feeling too terribly good today... it's just one of those deals where my entire body still feels like it's sleeping, inspite of the fact I'm trying to move/be awake. I'm also extremley nauseouse, inspite of another epic french toast based breakfast. So I'm going to update later on in the day, for sure, because there's still lots to be done! I'm in DESPERATE need of groceries, so am going to brave the cold. First off though, I'm going to try working out, since that usually makes me feel a tad more um alive haha. So hopefully I'll be feeling better later on in the day. In the mean time, be sure to check out Maggie's Giveaway! http://
Have a great day everyone!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Mint Condition

Open up

So in addition to my freezing cold, mid morning runs, I've developed a few new addictions... Celestial Seasonings Peppermint Tea, The Office, and Dark Chocolate Reeses Cups. Ok, the last one really isn't an "addiction", considering I ate one. whole. Reese's Cup... but it's something that I'm really proud of. Fuck you ED. Yes, I can have Peanutbutter and Chocolate Candy... it doesn't even have to be organic. Or natural. Or anything special. I can eat candy, in moderation, and be healthy.

I had therapy today. I love my therapist, which is something I've never said about an ED professional before, with the exception of my Physician on the day she hospitalized me (I knew I was getting ready to die at the time).

Me and my therapist talked about mainly how I handle uncomfortable situations. And place all the blame on myself. The pressure, the complications, expectations, they just become too much. So I bail... I just don't feel like dealing with anything. This is my pattern. It makes life chaotic. I can't grasp hold of the rest of the world. So I make my own... full of rigid rules and little quirks. Little, deadly quirks.

These traits still carry on- it's my downfall. Even though I've been weight restored and getting all my calories in, the behaviors take different forms. Another thing I really like about my therapist is she said Eating Disorders aren't all about the food. Food is a symptom, but not the problem. I love this. I agree with this. I have been telling myself this when I want to use ED as a crutch, in order to avoid things.

All in all though (we talked about other things, like with dance and stuff), it was a successful session. I got alot out, and got a few challenges assigned. One was to have a challenge food (duh!), because, well that's a challenge she likes me to do once a week. But this challenge food had to be intuitive... So more than just the "once a week" thing.

Well my mom and I went to purchase some Peppermint Tea, which, if you haven't tried it yet, GO AND BUY SOME!!! Hehe. Anyhow, we were in the checkout line, and I see Dark Chocolate Reese Cups. I grabbed them and put them on the store counter. My mom just kind of smiled and then asked me to grab another Dark package and then a regular one incase "Santa needs stalking stuffers".

When we got home, I started brewing the tea, and just kinda set the Reeses aside. Then, after therapy, it was time for another snack. I had a Flat out Wrap with salsa, some Tuna, Scrambled Eggbeater, Celery, and a Cheesestick. I was planning on having Oatmeal with the snack, too. But instead, I decided to go for the Reese's cup. Even though the package had two, I just had one of them. And will deffinetly be having the other one in the VERY near future. Because these things are SERIOUSLY delicous. I am so happy I ate it, really.

So yeah for my little victory over ED, who insisted that plain oatmeal would beat a Reese's cup. (nothing against oatmeal though lol). Other than that, today didn't really hold anything exciting. It was just the usual, wake up, get outta bed, drag a comb across my head (OK, I stole that from John Lennon in A Day in the Life haha). But really, everything was routine. Breakfast, school work, workout, food, food, food... You get the point. And college shit. I am so scared. And so exctied.

Just get me the hell out of Youngstown!!! I hate this city so bad, there is nothing here for me. I have no friends and just want to start over new. Yes, this is my impulsive, manic side... but I REALLY need to leave, like PHYSICALLY leave my past behind. In order to fully move on.

Youngstown holds all the cold... those horrible winter chills... the lonliness... the way kids would snicker at me as I was dying. The pshyc wards. The failed "treatment providers". It holds the holidays. Ugh... I'll post on Christmas tomarrow... it's too long to do tongiht (seeing as it's 11:50 and bed is calling my name).

So umm another fleeting post? I'll update tomarrow though! I think I'm going shopping... with my mom... for Christmas clothes. Oooh but I am going Grocery shopping too! Time to restock the Oikos, Vitamuffins, La Tortillas, Produce... and a bunch of other things that cost to much mula. Hahaha. Another reason why I NEED to move... Youngstown has no Whole Foods OR Trader Joe's. Our idea of "specialty" is the Nature's Basket section at Giant Eagle. Pathetic.

And bratty kids walk around in those T-shirts with big Abercrombie logos, thinking they're making some kind of fashion statement. Becaues it's just THAT original to wear a shirt with some stupid, poorly-scented perfume making company's name on it. Ok, so I totally bought into the "screen T" deal when I was about 12. But I was also completely lost amongst a crowd of heartless "friends". Thus, I was forced to adhere to tasteless fashion! Now, I really don't know what my tastes are, clothing wise. Forever21 is cool... Charlotte Russe at times, and WetSeal, when they don't have all the ghetto-fab stuff. I love Buckle though, and some A&E gear. I wish we had an Urban Outfitters. Or H&M. That would make things much, MUCH better.

I rant too much. Haha.

I'll leave you all with a fab french toast recipe (this happened to be the star of my breakfast today!)

2 Slices Eziekel Cinnamon Raisin Bread
1/3 Cup Eggbeaters (or, alternatively, 1 Egg)
1/3 Cup Silk Eggnog
1 TSP Cinnamon
2 Packets Stevia...

In a shallow dish, mix together Eggbeaters, Eggnog, Cinnamon, and Stevia. Soak bread in mixture until the majority of liquid has been absored. Cook in non-stick skillet until Golden Brown! Top off with a thin layer of Almond Butter. Next, add a scoop of Cottage Cheese. Chop an apple overtop the CC, and then drizzle with cinnamon and honey. Enjoy this! It is nearly impossible not to!!!

Good night (technically, good morning, it's oficially midnight!)

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Alright, so I'm going to stick to it this time... I am vowing to start, and CONTINUE my blog! So many times, I've tried to become a "blogger", if you will, but my perfectionistic side has gotten the best of me. I think "who the hell would want to read about your shit, Julia?" or "Your grammar is off, your words don't make sense, this layout sucks"... stupid stuff like that, mainly characteristics I've dealt with all my life.

So I'm giving myself permission to run with words, to let my thoughts go where they please. That's how good writing is made. I used to write quite often, and was very gifted at it. Although in the past few years, my need fear of flaws have gotten the best of me. I'd overanylize everything so much, I'd just reach a point of giving up on writing altogether. I even went as far as to delete 60 pages I had written, a memoir of my ED struggles. They just weren't good enough for me though I guess.

Damnit, I have too much to say. Too much to get out. And it's going to come out. My blog might suck right now, but I need to stop avoiding things, due to the fear of failure. I'm going to fail unless I stick with a task, even THROUGH THE HARD PARTS, and see it through. I'm so used to just succeeding right off the bat, getting school work naturally, ect. So when I face an obstacle, my doubts tend to get the best of me and just ask "Why even bother?". So why bother with this? Because maybe I'm worth it. Maybe allowing myself to SPEAK UP will open my eyes, and show me I'm worth it. I know I'm worth it, I know I'm worth life. I hope I am. I just don't fully beliueve it.

Because of my sins, because of the past.

Depression to Anorexia to Suicide to breaking my family.

I did that. And I still can't forgive myself.

But maybe I didn't do that. Maybe the things I say about other people with mental troubles apply to me to? If someone else makes a mistake, as a result of a medical complication, I say that they didn't make that mistake themselves. There illness was too strong to overcome, thus, the illness made the mistake. So maybe my depression was the thing that led to the Anorexia. And I couldn't control the Anorexia because I was knocking on deaths door, skeletal hands and all. And I just couldn't live with myself and everything around me.

Now I want to live, but it feels like I just can't... It's that horrible feeling where I'm constantly gasping for air, waiting for something to happen. Constant anitcipation of the unknown... there's really nothing in my future. Yet, I'm always waiting. What's next? I want to change, but I do nothing to act as a catalyst towards it.

It scares me, it scares me that I'm "medically well", and that I've been "medically well" now for over a year. Yet, I still have no sense of self. I still missed out on highschool. Freshmen year was perfect. Sophomore year was a dream, until I got pnuemonia. Junior year just blew. And I'm a homeschooled Senior.

I went to one party, kissed two guys, and went on two dates. Throughout the past four years. I have no friends. I'll admit it... I've know for quite some time. Though, I've always been too afraid to say so. I have no friends, just accquaintances. I've learned that it's easier to isolate, rather than having to constantly explain myself. And answer to all the "how are you feeling" or say thank you when people tell me "you can talk to me if there's anything you need".

I can't talk to anyone... I can't even talk to myself. Becuase I don't know myself.

Dance used to hold my life together. But now, I'm questioning my love for it. I used to be so free when dancing, but now, that feeling jsut isn't there all the time. I still get ti, but often times, it seems more trouble than it's worth. To go to class, to pay the money for competitions, give up weekends and live in hotels. When I loved dance like I used to, it was all worth it. But now, my dancing just remains a big question in my life. I don't really know what I'm going to do, in regards to my future with it, just yet. Because my future in general is so bleak.

It takes so much motivation to leave the house, to get my self together and present this mess to the world. I feel like people are looking right through me, with their stone cold eyes. I stand alone at all times. I speak, yet no words are heard. I'm a muffled shadow, that thing people push in the corner. I just want to be alone. But I can't even do that, because that's when the bad thoughts come back.

The haunting memories. Sight leaving me, as the heart monitor signals a flat line. Crying, SCREAMING, to see my mom. Being locked in the psych ward's safe room... feeling lonlier than ever before... those bright orange pills. The dark nights of situps, winter days where I lived infront of the fireplace. Broken plates, spilled drinks. Everything shatters. And I'm still sitting alone.

Ok, so I have honestly no idea what I just wrote. But I wrote it, so there, I guess I accomplished something.

My day wasn't all that exciting... but I woke up around 9 ish and made me some breakfast. Ate and read up on blogs, idolizing what it would be like to live somewhere else, with people who get me.

I'm still kind of taking a dance break, as are the rest of the girls at my dance school. Nationals are finally over, and Christmas is the only time of year that we're free from competition and shows. So we all (gasp) relax! Well, they do. I just kinda stay my anxious self, sans dancing.

So I did my jumping jacks, strength work, and took a run. Running and working out right now are the only things that make me feel whole... it's the best part of my day (which is why I hate Sundays, since it's my off day :/ but my body needs rest!). So I went for the usual 35 minutes, and managed to get in 4 and a half miles. I didn't really push myself, just felt incredible.

Came home, toweled off, and decided it was time to pick up Angry Management, by Chris Cutcher- the book my British Lituerature teacher selected for book club. So we had some guys over or something working on our sink. Which made me really nervous, because I looked like shit and hate cooking these ginormous freaking meals infront of people.

It's so wierd, because I honestly love the fact that I maintain on 3200. I love eating this, even though I can get a little too full at times. But the scale's staying stable (actually, I'm at the low end of my range, so maybe gonna bump it up a bit?), so I'm shoving the food in.

Well I was really just embarressed though, cause I hate eating loads in the presence of outsiders. So I started with some OCD shit... tearing the edges off my tortillas. 32 tears, OCD likes the number 32 for some reason whilst tearing food. That was a behavior of mine that still pops up from time to time. My mom saw and got really pissed. She said that if it happens again, I have to get weighed twice a week, opposed to once.

So then I was pissed initially, but then relieved. I thanked her for calling me out on it? And threatining an extra weigh in? Wow, I couldn't believe that, but I was happy she caught me. I have some motivation not to do it. It makes me nervous though, none the less. It feels like somthing bad is going to happen if I don't tear 32 little edges off my tortillas... what a stupid and irrational fear... the tears amount to crumbs, make no difference calorically, yet my irrational thoughts blow them out of proportion.

It. Needs. To. Stop.

That was that. I'm jsut kind of chilling right now, gonna get a snack in a few minutes. I want something really, really cold but already had my greek yogurt for the day (too expensive to exceed two containers of Oikos haha I have to limit myself!)

So I'm gonna go and eat :( Eww not really hungry, but it's gotta be done. Don't wanna lose my families trust. i wanna go away to college and be successful. Ok, enough rambling. Time to do some cooking. I hope you erm, enjoyed? my first "official" blog entry, if anyone is actually reading this lol. I'll try to update daily. God knows I have nothing better to do.

Take care everyone!