So I can breath now

My lungs are working better. That weight has been lifted from my chest. Sure, I can still feel the remnants, but the main source has dissapeared. It's summer, and school has concluded for this year. This year of hell has officially found an end. All of the doubt, the catching up, the panick, that's over. I am new and starting over. For the first time in months, I truly feel at peace. Almost.

Yesterday was just incredible. Nothing significant to the naked eye, but much value to the deprived soul. I completed my last two final exams yesterday. The first three were taken on Sunday, all of which I aced. The last two, I'm not so sure about, but they're done, and no needn't worry. It's all over. And ending something has never felt this good.

After I filled in my last answer on my Geometry Exam, I said good bye and thankyou to Mr. Weimer. He will be retiring this year, and helped my family and I greatly during my period of absence and transition out of school. I donnot know if I would have been capable of surviving this year's hurdles without his assistance. And after thanking him, I walked out of those doors. Sure, I'll walk through them again within a few weeks for Cross Country, but I will be walking into a different enviroment, a different person. I will be williningly in attendance and at ease.

I recieved some very good news as well, during my doctor's appointment. I had taken a few tests two weeks ago to read the levels of my nuerologic chemicals. The results came back, indicating that my RX medication (seroquel), was disrupting my levels of Dopamine. In addition, it was causing my Liver to encounter problems, too. This news was enough for my parents to FINALLY see how much harm this drug had been doing to my health. I couldn't believe it. What I had been trying to express for months was finally printed on paper- I had proof of my agony.

No one is to blame except for my Physcaitrist, who we called today with a "fuck off" attitude. My parents were simply listening to his orders, and that's what they were supposed to do. It's not their fault that his demands contained extreme fallicies. I will be free soon. My parents have both agreed that it's time to start cutting back on the Seroquel, in a reduction of 25 mg weekly to bi-weekly. I cannot wait. I have prayed for this day to come for so long, and it's finally here. I will have MY mind, my thoughts, and MY OWN actions back.

Within three to six weeks, God willingly, I will be free of prescription phsyciatric drugs. This is a hard joy to get across to anybody else, because they donnot know the side effects that come with taking phsyciatric medications. You gain a sense of helplessness, and begin to question your own judgement. Your actions become those of a single pill. And your anxiety only increases. I feel that I truly lost myself through this single pill.

And the possible side effects only make things worse. Suicidality is the number one side effect. Weight gain is the second. You'd think, that with my medical history, an EATING DISORDER SPECIALIST wouldn't prescribe a drug containing such risks. Well, apparently, I thought wrong. For the past two years, I have been dealing with a slowed metabolism and bought with suicidal thoughts/attempts. This is the hell that I speak of. When I told people that I was not myself, this is what I was referring too. But I am so relieved, I will come back with each decrease in the medication. God, please give me my sanity again. Please.

But asdie from those two occurances, nothing major happened yesterday. But yesterday represented an end to so many complications that I've dealt with. I danced and ran. What else is new. But I went about my day knowing that a new path lies ahead, a path that I will be alking down every single day to come. May it lead me to happiness.