if you love me, won't you let me know...

It's everything I've lost. I'll never know if it existed in the first place. Why do they get the fun. Why do they get the breaks. Every chance I have just crumbles. And I can't stop it. I want to, and I try to, but I can't stop it. My heart aches, but I can't stop it. i'm expected to go back with them, reenter their world. I can't do it. I'm too scared. They have so much in this life. I have so little. I want somethings so bad. I want to dance. I want to run. I am at peace when I can do these things. Why would they take it away from me. I had myself back, I felt that serenity. But now it's gone, and I'm just left with myself. My horrible self. I'm fed up, I'm disgusted, I'm dissapointed. I don't know when and if this will ever end. I did nothing to ask for this, I did nothing to recieve this. It just kind of happened and changed my life forever. People always tell me how strong I am, but I have yet to see that strength, I have yet to feel it. All I know is the pressure that I feel when things don't go my way. All I know is how angry I get when I fail. And I fail so much. My standards are so high. I can't even put the effort into rising to them now. I'm too scared to. I'm scared of pushing myself. I'm scared of losing myself again. But I need to push myself to get what I want, to get what I love. I just don't know where to go from here. Every direction is open, and I'm so hesitant to chose a path. This is the hardest part. There's no mission on hand for me, I have to establish a goal. And I'm too scared to even do that. Everything seems so far off right now, so impossible. I don't know how I'm going to go back to school...

I've been out of school for over a year. I don't think I can do it. When I get there and the world keeps on going, my head spins. No one stops for me, everything flies by before I get a chance to open my eyes. And I want to cry. I want to be held. I want to stop it all. But I can't. I'm not in control of myself there. For seven hours a day, they make their commands. And I am so afraid of that. That lonliness. That hopelessness. That anxiety, that discomfort. I've had good times at school before, but those are long in the past. I've succeeded in school before, but that too is in the past. I only have the future ahead, and I'm responsible for making it what I want. Ofcourse I want success. I just don't know how the hell I'm supposed to strive for it in this condition.

And what condition. What the fuck is my problem. I've had all the therapy in the world. I've gotten all the treatment that could possibly be offered. And I'm still sad. I'm happy at times, but right now, I just want to cry my eyes out. But the tears won't come. And I don't even know why, why I want to cry, and why I can't. I remember too much. This moment seems like it's happened before. So I remember that feeling I had before. That pain that I once had. That pain that nearly killed me. And I wonder if I really am here right now, in this moment, or if I'm still lingering on in the horrors of my past. When will it ever go away.

I'm in a fog. This doesn't seem real. This isn't the life I imagained years ago. I'm barely alive. I don't know what I'm doing. I just want to escape this doubt, this terror, this trap. I want to break free from it and never look back. My breath is short. I'm anticipating something, something unknown. My head is flooded with those moments that will never leave. The lights, the screams, the tears. Those will always be a part of who I am, but I want them to be a part of who I was. The hurt, the betrayel, the lies, I don't want it anymore. I really don't want it anymore. But I don't know who I am without it. What do I have without it. I lose everything with it, but can't manage to walk away. I just want to start a new life, free from all the memories. Because I can't move on with them holding me back. Everything reminds me. Everything hurts me. And I can't have it this way anymore. I've wasted enough time, I've wasted enough chances. I've wasted enough ability, I've wasted enough passion. I have gifts that need to be used. I have dreams that need to come to life. And I have demons that must die. Please God, help me kill them. Please God. Please. So I can find who I am again. So I can uncover the joy I once lived. So I can trust again, so I can love again. Please God, just grant me the strength to go on.