manifesting...

Once i get my hands on something good in life, i go ahead and fuck it up. im selfish and basically a waste of life. i work my ass off for nothng. im all alone in this world with no friends. my depression's the only company i've ever known. i know i sound like a drama queen, exaggerating every complication. this just shows what a loser i truley am.

God blessed me with a good life and i ruined it. it's too late to escape. i want to get away from this shit, but i have no support. i have no one to tell this too because im alone. i try to be nice, but nothing works. i show compassion, but i cant relate. no one will ever like me. they just talk out of pity and then laugh behind my face. im so pissed off just at everything.


this whole damn summer has been a fucking waste of time. i have done nothing with not one single person. i thought that i actually made a friend, but she found other people too. although, she has a right to have more than one friend. i guess im just jelous, which once again, represents my selfishness. hell, all i did this summer was sit my ass down infront of the computer and look at pictures of parties, wishing i was those kids. wishing i actually had a fucking life. wishing that i just had something, or could atleast find something i have.


i wasted all of my time dancing. i was crazy enough to think that practicing two hours a day would actually make me good at something. silly me, the rich people just get all the breaks in life. im sorry that i cant afford a damn 3000 dollar dress to dance in . im sorry that my mother isnt the head of the school. i cant change that, im only working with what i have. it's still not good enough. nothings ever good enough. oh yeah, i went running alot too. once again, i just thought that doing 35 miles a week could earn me a fucking letter, or atleast some damn respect. i guess not. people are so immature, that they actually stay back and make up excuses just so they dont have to run with me. i hate it. i didnt do anything wrong, except for exist. i guess thats just what a big loser i am. my very presence disgusts them so much, people cant even be around me.


the sad thing is, i actually enjoy dance and running. i enjoy them until the people get in the way. fuck people. fuck the world. maybe this is why im such a loner. i cant control them; only myself. but they just always go ahead and give me hell.


in my free time, i watched america's next top model. looking at those girls, gosh it breks my heart. i can never be that preatty. i can never be that thin, atleast with my parent's guard as high as it is. i cant escape it; im just trapped in this monitored world of hell. shandi was 5'10" and 116lbs. she was georgous. i used to be preatty when i was 70lbs. but then people took away that victory from me.


i loved that time. for once i had a goal that was all to myself, no people to interfere. isolation was my best friend, next to ana. misery made me happy, because atleast i was the one creating it. so what, i was dying. maybe that's what the fuck i wanted. but people, once again, are too fucking dumb to realize that.


they dont really want me, they just wanna do the right thing for damn attention. well fuck them. i was so close too. i could have surpassed it all, and been content with my death. thats the ultimate goal. my bones were so beautiful, but now my fat ruins the beauty. just like the world is actually a wonderful place, but the people create the hell.


if i could have just had my wish, things would have been better today. you wouldnt have to be reading this damn pethetic paragraph from some loser son of a bitch like myself. i would be gone, and you would be happy. admit it. i dont care if your surprised and never saw this side of me. this is me. welcome to julia. the smiles fake, my face mine as well be plastic. im ugly inside and out. im rotten and dont deserve anything. i didn't deserve anyones sympathy, even if it was fake. i a fucking waste. a waste of life. give someone who deserves it everything, for im just fucking it up.


i have nothing left to say, i have no one left to go to; since i had no one in the first place. i have no dreams left to hope for, becuase people will always destroy all potential. i guess i can dream for sheer solitude. fuck it all, i dont even know what to with my rediculous self. im sorry that you had to read this. im sorry that im such a failure. im sorry that you have to cope with such a bitch as myself. i really am sorry. for everything. im just lost. this is so done, everythings done...