slipping

I really don't want to slip again. It's happened to many times. I feel so concealed and forced to remain this way. There's still too much inside of me that needs to get out. But I don't want to hurt anyone in the process. My brother told me the other day that he's going to be really happy once I move out and go to college. He thinks I'm going to be dead before I graduate. I don't blame him. I cause all of the trouble in the house, and serve as a great deal of trouble to myself. I want to be independent, but I'm really codepedent upon the people I want to break free from most; my family.

So Saturday was terrible. I went to dance class and my hip hurt horribly. I hadn't taken painkillers to ease it prior, which was a really bad mistake on my part. I never give into pain, but could not help it this time. Ten minutes before the end of class, I had to stop while doing my Reel. It hurt so bad that I was blacking out, so my mom took me to the Emergency Room for X-Rays.

We waited for three hours. I got the X-Rays done and saw a narrow-minded doctor. Apparently he was more concerned with my physical stature then my hip injury. He repeadidly commented on how thin I was and how I had no fat on my body. The man couldn't get off the topic of how I should gain weight. I look fine, really. I've gained weight, really. And I for once am satisfied with my appearance. Almost, I'm better than I've been in the past, which is certain. At the conclusion of his health speech, which basically entered one ear and came out the other, I was informed that my hip was sprained. They reccomended NO EXERCISE at all for a minumum of two days, three if needed. My prognosis was complete torture.

Exercise holds me together. I'm constantly falling apart, but it takes me different places. It sets goals of fitness and teaches me to respect my body, not to abuse it. It shows me that I am capable of doing wonderful things. It keeps me happy. My mom was forgiving and allowed me to count Saturday as my first "rest day", even though I had made it through the majority of dance class.

Another problem arose ofcourse, my caloric intake. I currently ingest 2,400 calories to maintain my weight. One third of those calories comes from my daily running and dancing. So I was placed in a position to remove 800 calories. Delightful. Though, my hip felt fine throughout the day, my body did not. I realized that I am physically ADDICTED to physical activity.

When I woke up that morning, I felt fine, with the exception of "rest" looming in my head. As the day proceeded, however, I grew ill. Around noon, when I usually go for my run, I developed a headache, that shortly progressed into a fever of 101 degrees. After I ate my lunch, I was ready to vomit, for my sotmach wouldn't cease its tossing and turning. Then I took some lovely medicine to clear things up. Much better. I worry that I'm becoming far to reliant upon painkillers. Just what I need.

At percisley 4 pm, the time that my dance practice begins at, I began shaking. I could not stop myself, for my body took control of my mentality. This lasted for roughly a half an hour and ended with a cold sweat. I was literally going through withdrawl. This is insane. Life is insane.

So I read a bit and did additional schoolwork. The anxiety dissepated, and soon enough, the House marathon began. I love House becuase it's a show that causes you to question and keeps you occupied. The day then finally ended. Thank God.

And I awoke this morning, it had been two days! My hip was still in slight pain, but deffinetly not the type of pain I encountered at dance on Saturday. So I was permitted my exercise. The weather was not suited for running today, so I jumproped instead, along with a bit of ab work. Then the best part of the day approached, and I went to dance! Even though my joints are in turn MUCH improved, I still took some Excedrin throughout the day for insurance. Amazing stuff, amazing stuff. And I completed the dance practice, with lots of things to improve on, in regards to my personal preference, but overall good reviews from my teacher.

The best part is how thankful I am for dance. It is a privilage and the love of my life. I know how looney I sound to declare something inanimate as my passion, but dancing truly is. The sense of accomplishment and pride I recieve from flying across the stage is amazing, and having to do without it altogether is a plain devastation.

Other highlites for the day consisted of my incredible dinner. Taco Bell now markets TV dinners that you microwave for 90 seconds, producing a bowl filled with rice, beans, steak, and cheese. Yes, it may be preservative laden, but it was my dinner tonight (well I had a sandwhich and some fruit, too), and an incredible dinner it was. These Ghetto-Fabulous bowls can be purchased at a grocery store near you for $1.00. I would highly reccomend you try one. Lastly, I have concluded that I am in desperate need of a life. Good night to anyone who was kind enough to survive the boring aspects of Julia Beck's daily living.