Holding on

It's so rough to hold on without garuntee. I just know that I have to keep going, that there's this force inside me that won't quit, no matter how hard I want to back down. I came to a very big realization today, it was so difficult to accept. I know that I am still very sick. Before, I would allow the fact that I was physically healthy to overide the fact that I struggle mentally every moment. So from now on, I'm going to stop living in this denial. I am a prisoner of my disease. I donnot want to live in this mindset anymore. Right now, recovery is not about weight for me. It's about learning to live and escape the rigidity that I've grown compelled to throughout the years.

I cannot believe how blind I am to think that I was all better. This horrid disease came into my life far before it showed up on my body. Far before my bones pretruded from fragile skin, I was still struggling. At the age of ten, I set expectations that would never be reached.

At age 11, I confessed those expectations, yet backed down from the truth that these expectations were real, and would some day, nearly kill me.

Age 13 brought hell to my life. At this age, I transformed into a walking skeleton. At this age, I watched my life slip away. At this age, I died but was given a second chance. And at that moment of near death, I vowed to take that second chance and run with it, to run with it as far as possible.

Ofcourse, when you're in a hospital bed being force fed copius amounts of calories, you'll gain weight. And I did, I gained many needed pounds, within a matter of three months. This weight freed me from a hospital bed, this extra weight allowed me to dance again. This extra weight granted me the privilage to run again, too. But this extra weight could only do so much, for the boundaries ended at my exterior. Even though I had achieved physical health, my mind was still drifting around in unreal expectations.

So I'm aware now. I'm going to push through these problems, rather than pull them away. I will live again. I will come back to a happy life. I will smile again and open my eyes to the beautiful gift of life, itself. One day, I will stand strong, and immune to evil. This day will come; my day will come, it's just a matter of time, faith, and strength.