Suicide

You cry for mercy, and beg God for another chance. Your wish is granted, and your eyes open the next morning. The world is a fog, and the ringing of last night's mistake lingers on in your ears. How to live. How do I live?



You beg for forgiveness, in what seems to be hell. Your mother cries and your father cries. They wonder what was so terrible, what horrors brought you here. This confession is hell, just like the world. But I yet have so much to see.



I'm sorry. I didn't think. It was dumb. But stupidity can't change what's done. You drive away with packed bags. No turning back. Life never turns back. But I wish I could have another chance...



It's too late. They're asking you questions... the room's all to bright. No more home, but there's still a hell. A needle comes, but the pain is soothing. They're saving me. Water drips into my destrought body, as regret pours out from my soul. She holds my hand during the tears. She cries for me and I cry for my mistake. I want this moment to last forever, because I'm safe in her arms. It brings me back to those days of my childhood. The bad would always go away in your mothers arms.



But this moment can't last. The toxidity has gone, and now I must go. Why didn't I realize this would happen? Why can't I go back and change this? But I have no choice any longer, I've surrendured to insanity. I lie down onto the gurney and travel into another hell. She leaves me. I cry even harder this time. I'm so sorry.



The ambulance is silent and somber. I would give anything to be back in her arms, back in my childhood; back in my happiness. Please, God, please let me wake up this time, please, let me have another second chance. I'll take back what I once hated.


This ride ends, as a new ride begins. I'm escorted into a building. I can see my mom! We sit at a table for hours. These are my consequences. I sign a few forms. I can feel the pain to come. They take my bags, and I give my mom the remaining pills. They fall gently from my hand. How could I be so foolish.

Her arms leave my body. She leaves my life. I am now held captive. Maybe I will survive this new hell, maybe I'll reach some clarity. I am now locked up. Time for more needles, time for more tests. More forms and more bright lights.

It's nearly morning, and I'm brought to a room. Sensors line the halls, and guards are on watch. I feel like a prisoner. My mind grows weary as my soul continues to burn. I don't sleep, but anticipate the morning. I want out. I want out. But I can't leave.

These days are hard. They are in control of you. Your every move is watched and judged. Yo ulearn to live by a shceduel, not by your own instincts. I am with other kids. They scare me. I'm not bad like them, so why am I hear? Please, God, get me home.

My heart literally aches. Tears are constantly gathering. I anxiously await for noon. Noon is phone calls. My mothers voice will be hear soon. I cannot see her but her voice can keep me holding on. Everything seems so precious, the life I tried to escape just two days ago. But now I can't have it, so naturally, I want it more than ever.

Please, mom, get me out of hear. I can't do this. I can't be without you. I need you. Don't you love me? I can't get through this. But she hangs up, she has to. I am stuck here until my time is up. Back to misery. Actions are one thing, but emotions are another.

Just hold on until five o'clock. Visting hours. My parents will come, they can surely take me home. I can be free. I see them! Mom! Dad! I missed you.

I struggle to speak as sorrow gathers in my throat. They are hear and I am here. I might not be here right now, if it wasn't for them. I wouldn't have them if I would have shut down. But they are here. For thirty minuts they are hear. Please, don't leave. Please, I need you.

The door shuts and I begin to cry again. My heart is literally burning. And now, for another sleepless night.

Why did you do it?

I don't know.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't. I was stressed. I was tired. I want to go home.

But you can't be trusted at home.

This place is worse.


Why did I do it? Was it that bad? I am alone, even when surrounded by life. I am dead as I awake each morning. I am living now though. That was then and this is now. All I want now is life, the thing I tried to escape.

I can't eat. Concern arises.

Old problems create new friction. But I just can't do it. My body won't stop shaking. This world just keeps on moving while I'm trapped behind. More phonecalls, more hopeless visits. 48 hours down, 24 to go. If I could only go back...

It's five o'clock again. I am pacing and cannot stop. She was supposed to be here an hour ago. My bags are packed. My body is drained. They gave me more pills to numb this pain. But now I can barely feel at all, until I see her, and the light beyond this door.

The air is cold as uncertainty lingers. I cry and thank God for getting me out. The insane hours of worry seem to be in the past. But worry will always be here. Hurt will always get me. It's the same life through a new light.

My lips touch the living room floor. I have never been so happy to see this carpet, this chair, this home. My brother won't speak to me, he won't look at me. But I am here, and I can do as I please. I feel safe again, even though new boundaries have been unleased.

I go to bed that night in the same bed as my mother. I am to be watched at all hours. But I ge tto sleep in my own home. I call relatives who are sad. I am still sad, and grow less satisfied with each passing moment. Nothing is different. But I can't go back, because atleast I have this life, if nothing at all. It might be cruel, but it's something to hold onto.