Shoot me now...

Ok, well don't shoot me, but please, God, everything is just piling up. So much is happening, and there seems to be no end in sight. I just donnot know what to do. My anxiety is through THE ROOF, heck, it's nearing the atmosphere's end, as I sit here, teeth chattering with nerves.

I missed the SAT this morning. I overslept. My dad came in at 7:30 to wake me up. I had to be there at 7:45... there was NO WAY I would have eaten breakfast in time and made it to the test without being late. I am such a slacker. I said fuck it and went back to bed until 10 O'clock.

Who needs the SAT anyway. I DO! I am settling so much more often than I used to now... my attitude is horrible. At the moment, I keep on telling myself that these tests aren't a big deal, because I know I will get into college. I'm ranked 8th out of a 400 student class with a 3.9 GPA. After teaching myself all these years. While battling this deamon of an Eating Disorder.

But still, I'm not putting fourth my best effort. This is so uncharacteristic of me. I am falling apart. And so is life, (or though it seems...)

My grandma died Thursday morning. Only three weeks after my uncle died. They both suffered long, hard lives with Bi-Polar disorder. My uncle suffered a spontanious heart attack, while my grandma died of dementia related complications. I miss them both dearly, but am happy they are finally free from their minds. They are in peace.

I just don't know where any of this is going. The only thing that I am motivated to do any more is eat and exercise. I have dance is an hour. My dancing is so horrid... and Nationals are in two and a half weeks! I am so far from ready, nearly EMBARRESSED to dance! I'm working so hard, but nothing is coming together with dance.

My thoughts are everywhere... I think I'll try and post a more thourough update later on. Hopefully dance class will allow my head to clear. I just feel like such a failure... I know that's partly ED talking, but partly reality, too. If I wasn't so rigid, I could have made the SAT in time. I could have just grabbed a Muscle Milk and drank that whilst driving. Then finished the remainder of my breakfast upon arriving home. But no, rigidity took over. My stupid perfect breakfast ideals took over. Sure, breakfast this morning was DELICOUS!, but what good is that going to do me when I'm trying to make a successful future for myself?

Ah! Please, dear mind, just slow down. Please slow down and let me breath.

Hate to sound like such a downer, but I hope that you all are having a better day than me. Take care loves, and stay strong. That, I know I can do.

Love,
Julia