B.J.

I've missed you and I've hurt you. I only cared about myself and caused you so much pain. Those nights are killing me now, those nights when you would retreat to your room with no way out. I wish that I could go back and take them away, I wish that I could erase those memories. Because I love you. And I hurt you so bad. I couldn't see it happening at the time. I was too trapped amongst my own demons. I only cared about holding onto that evil. And it was so very selfish of me. I love you so much that I'm crying right now. Because all I can think of are the times that you cried, the times that you were in pain. Becaues of me, because of who I was. And because of the struggle that I put you through, the misery that I can never take back.

I was always jelous of you as a child. You were the one who talked so easily, related so easily. You were the athlete, the adorable kid with blonde hair. You were the cute one, the strong one, the pure one. I've always felt as if I were the outcast of this family, the angry one. I wanted what you had. And even back then, I was very mean to you.

I'm still crying right now because you're almost an adult. You've made up your mind about the world and I can only hope that you've chosen a good outlook. But I have no way of knowing what will come. And I certainly didn't help you in becoming who you are today.

I am proud of you. I am scared for you. I am sorry for you, so sorry for what I put you through. I was physcotic, I wasn't there. Physically, I was failing, and mentally, I had already gone. All you wanted was to get buy, all you wanted was a decent life. All you wanted was some peace, all you wanted was some happiness.

I know that you can never get these lost years back, none of us can. I'm just now beginning to realize what's actually happened though, and it's very difficult to accept. I can't honestly describe what I'm feeling right now, but I know that it's necessary. I know that it must be felt, for you must be saved. I want you to come back, I want our lives to come back. I want us to live again, without all the fear, without all the worry. I just want things to be good. And I want you to know that I love you, and that I always will.

Thank you for tolerating me, I can't imagine what it would have been like. Thank you for looking at me, because I know that my face has made you tremble. Thank you for talking with me, even when my voice was full of lies. Thank you for being, thank you for holding on.